I started this blog over a year ago in the mist of my heartache. I know that many of my followers do read my blog because they wanted to know that someone else was going through the same thing they are. Wanted to know if they were "normal" in what they were feeling or coming completely undone in the grocery store when someone was buying diapers or by
shopping the
perimeter of target to avoid the baby section. I have found great strength in getting to know such wonderful women on the web and in sharing my story as well. However, since the birth of
Callyn Joy I have pretty much been posting all things baby girl and
Callyn. Which is fine, except for these are the blogs that I stayed away from in the beginning of my journey. If I am keeping it real for all my readers I want them to know that my heart still hurts.... I am in no way "over" the loss of my first daughter. It may seem that way on here, because my heart is so full of
Callyn JOY, but once you have been down this road your heart is not ever the same. Today Tatum Cate would have been 19 months old. Walking, talking, probably taking ornaments off the tree and moving presents around. It is still
incredibly difficult to be around friends and family that have babies this age, the ones that I was pregnant with at the same time. Of course I try to act like it doesn't bother me, because I don't want other people to feel bad or sorry for me, but it is just a constant reminder of what she would be doing or what she might be like. It seems like everywhere I go people either ask or make comments about
Callyn being my "first." Sometimes I agree (feeling guilty afterwards) and sometimes I take the opportunity to share my story. And that is where I am now. God has blessed me beyond measure in my life and I am THANKFUL for everything he has given us. I would have never chosen for my daughter to die, but I believe the words God tells us in Jeremiah 29:11-
"I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I can honestly say that I am thankful for what has come in the wake of our heartache. A stronger marriage, a more compassionate heart and being more thankful than ever for EVERYTHING about my precious girl that I would taken for granted.
So this Christmas will be worlds different than last year. Last year we were experiencing the biggest "first" that all of you know of that have lost someone you love. The first Christmas, where we were supposed to have 3 stockings instead of 2. And this year we were experience a "first" in a while new way and we are so thankful.
This post maybe all over the place, but I just wanted all the mommas out there to know that it will get better. God is in control and he does have a perfect plan for each of our lives, even if we don't understand it now. Please be patient and allow Him to work in your life and then.... and only then true JOY can be experienced!
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22
12 comments:
Love your openess - I know it is helping others out there :)
Thanks for sharing your heart!
Oh, Paige! I'm just in tears reading this post. There is so much to be thankful for with sweet Callyn but that heartache for Tatum will always be there. You are so strong because of your journey. Thanks for sharing!
When I read this post, I felt like I was reading something I had written before.
I always think about what Samuel would be like - would he be knocking down the tree? Would his eyes light up looking at the tree?
I will be thinking of you this Christmas season. Enjoy your Callyn - and we will all be remembering your Tatum!
Happy Holidays!
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I can't imagine what pain you have gone through. I'm so happy that you have JOY in your life again!!!
You are such a blessing to so many women. I have shared your story with my cousin (my age) who lost her baby on her due date in 2008. She also will be experiencing her "first" with baby Colton that she delivered perfectly healthy this year. She is still struggling the loss of Makenna (2008) and your story and openness is amazing.
By the way, I'm going to email you this week for some more bag tags. I love Eastons and some moms at church fell in love with it ... so I want to order them one!
What you write is so beautiful and heart stirring. I cry when I read your blogs - not because I feel sorry for you, but because my heart aches for a friend. And because you are so incredibly strong and passionate and honest.
Thank you Paige, for your encouragement. I am so very glad that you have a precious blessing to celebrate this Christmas. I hope it's a wonderful one!!
Paige - I love this post. I agree with you, once you have dealt with the loss of the child your heart is never the same.
Your blog inspires me and truely gives me hope for our future.
Thank you for sharing & for being so open. I hope you are doing wonderfully, know you are remembering and honoring your sweet Tatum through Callyn & I love reading about the both of them.
Such a great post and totally hits where I am right now with being pregnant again. Such a bittersweet experience. Continuously thinking and praying for you!
I appreciate this post b/c it lets people know that haven't experienced this road that it still hurts even when there is a lot of joy.
Your words touch a place in our hearts. Oh how we relate!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with us through out that tender time.
We're still pretty fresh in it right now... but God is amazing in how He blesses with peace in the MIDST of the storm!
Thanks again,
Ammon and Melanie
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